By Nyah Claybaker, 8 years old. She is my shining light.

Oh my……where do I begin?  I’ve not written in weeks although I’ve thought about it no less than nine times.  I slightly derailed a little bit, emotionally, and have found that this blog is keeping me on track in many ways.  When I think to write, it’s normally not because I’m going through something super positive.  Oddly enough, it’s much easier to focus on and write about the negatives than the positives, for me anyway.  It’s a constant battle in my head,  “look at all the sickness and fear and sadness around us”  “NO!  don’t focus on that, think of all the things you have to be grateful for”.  Do you ever feel like you’re having the same emotionally charged, devaluing and non-productive conversation with yourself all the time and get tired of repeating yourself?

Ick…..how do I break that pattern?  Let me rephrase, how do I practice what I know and preach more consistently?  Wait a minute, that’s not right either.  How do I gain the discipline and patience I need in order to practice what I preach?  Well…eh hmm (clearing my throat), that’s not really what I want to ask either.  Let’s try this…..how do I love and accept myself completely as I am and know when to ask for help?

The last six months have been the largest roller coaster ride I’ve been on, so far.  I’ve a much clearer understanding of what it means to have your life turned upside down on you, based on my own experiences and those of very close friends and family members.  Be it a death in the family or having to look for a job for the first time in 20+ years, the underlying message I acknowledge right now is:  sometimes you just can’t ever be prepared for the unexpected, so enjoy today and love deeply and unconditionally.  I’ve also thought several times about something my uncle shared with me at our Christmas visit, “stay healthy, Christy, because the older you get…you’re going to realize that without your health, you have nothing.”

We have lost five family members in within the last five years by diseases that could have been prevented.  Plus, we currently have two battling cancer, one on an oxygen tank, one battling cirrhosis and another on the verge of cirrhosis with hep C.  I love them all.  Sadly, there’s nothing I can do for them.  I only have the power to change myself and how I react to my own environment and experiences.  Whoa….that’s a ton of responsibility….not being able to blame someone else for making me mad or sad?

Here’s a suggestion of something to do today or start first thing in the morning, take responsibility for EVERYTHING that happens, all day long.  In other words, don’t blame anything on anyone tomorrow or place judgment on anyone.  Just love and accept them and don’t assume the worst.

Perhaps in my practice of true, unconditional love of others….I’ll find it easier to love and accept myself.  And…maybe when I get more experience under my belt in that department, I’ll find the courage to fire the negative committee members in my head and re-appoint some positive ones, once and for all….

My  goal for 2012 is simply to do at least one thing every day to stay healthy, mentally and physically.  It takes a daily, conscious effort and I’m grateful to have so many friends and colleagues in my life to lean on when I know I need help.  With a growing personal awareness, I’m learning to listen more intently and respond more promptly when my body asks for it.  I hope that you will, too.

I wish you, my friends and readers, many blessings this year and always.

Love and light….until next time.

Christy

Oh…weight loss update!  I’ve lost a total of 30 pounds and counting.  I’ve gone from a size 16 to a size 12.  A friend shared a website with me that I really enjoyed and want to pass along to you, www.runsforcookies.com.  I cried watching the anniversary video on that blog.  If you’re looking for some inspiration, I highly suggest you watch it.  ALSO…here’s my business plug for this post.  Our local natural market, MaMa Jean’s Natural Market, is launching their MaMa’s Meltdown program today!  It’s a 22-week lifestyle makeover program and weight loss competition with over $7k in prizes!  Visit their website for more info.

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