Letting Go of An Identity That No Longer Suits Me

After awakening from a short nap on the car ride home from Austin, I found myself just 15 minutes outside of the town I was born and raised until about seven, McAlester, OK.  Journaling seemed appropriate at that moment as we drove through the town and the memories began to flood my mind.  This time, the memories were mainly focused on my lost loved ones who I used to visit here.  Most recently, my Aunt Tammy who passed away in her sleep at only 48 this past July.  The irony is that her unexplained death was the inspiration to make the permanent health changes in my own life.  Now, at my most challenging point of this shift, I’m reminded of why I began.

This was on the front side of the prayer Nyah wrote for me as we were traveling home. She knew I was having a rough weekend.

Curtis and I had been looking forward to this trip all summer, ever since he was asked to be the best man in his recently found brother’s wedding.  I know it’s a mouthful and honestly, that’s a whole story in itself that the family hopes to tell one day.  For me, this trip had a much deeper symbolism.  Not only was this an incredibly special wedding happening on Sunday, we were celebrating our 11 year wedding anniversary on Friday.  We left on Wednesday after work to begin the first leg of the drive, narrowly avoiding being broadsided by a driver running a red light and hoping our ‘close calls’ were finished for the trip.  Strangely enough, it was only the beginning.

You see, this was the first time I would be hotel and fast food bound for six days in a row since I started my ‘new path’.  Admittedly, my anxiety levels were high.  The first two days were great.  I managed to squeeze in a 4.3 mile run/walk on Thursday and a 2.7 mile one on Friday, hoping they would help offset the deliciousness that was about to entice me.  We had three days of celebration ahead of us with everything from wood-fired pizza to chef Jack Allen’s full course meal, to Smokey Moe’s Barbecue.  This, of course, doesn’t include the yummy wine and deserts.

The afternoon of our anniversary, Curtis informs me that one of our debit cards was left at the Continental Club Gallery downtown.  Slightly nervous and remembering a similar past experience, I froze the account and hoped we’d get it back later that evening after they opened.  As luck would have it, only three hours after we retrieve that card, I sat my purse down in front of The Onion (pizza by the slice) before we started our journey back to the Marriott.  That must have been an incredibly delicious piece of pie considering I walked away oblivious to my poor little black bag sitting all alone in a strange place.  It was gone before I could make it back to save it.

I pray thank you for the food and my mom and dad, but please make sure that my mom is safe and not fearful and make sure that she is happy. From Nyah

Fortunately, the one account was still frozen and we managed to freeze the other one before any money was taken.  Plus, I had just given Curtis all of my cash to hold so according to the GPS tracker on my phone, the thief must have tossed everything in a sewer drainage system when realizing there was nothing ‘liquid’ in the bag.  Aside from the treasured moments captured via photos and videos that are forever lost, the hardest part of this whole experience was yet to come.

My routine had been turned upside down for the next few days.  Not only has my ritualistic documentation of food and exercise via my handy iPhone app been affected, so had my GPS map capability, not to mention all contact with the outside world, most notably when driving in rural Dripping Springs, TX, trying to find the main event – the WEDDING!  Seeking help from the driver of a Jeep, a motorcyclist, and a house where Nyah began praying while waiting for me in the car and told me “looks like you could have been shot” once I got back in the car with no luck.  Finally, I wrapped on the door of an angel by the name of Renae on Angel Fire Dr, coincidentally.  She lent us her phone and a bathroom for Nyah and we were on our way, narrowly missing the wedding by only 15 minutes.  After that hour of torment, I was thrust back to an emotional high of laughter, friends and family, dancing and delicious food.  We had an amazing time.

Monday had arrived; the last morning.  It was time to pack and join the others for breakfast.  Having pretty much blew it for the last two days despite one trip to the hotel gym for the elliptical machine, I ordered conservatively – although I really just wanted to gorge.  Many hugs and tears later, we were on our way home.  All was well until about lunch time.  We stopped in Texas just south of the Oklahoma border.  Curtis fills the tank and we go in to order Subway sandwiches for the road.  Moments later and about a quarter of the way into MY sandwich, Curtis says “oops, this is yours” and hands it to me.  I cried.

You see, this was the first Subway sandwich I had ordered in over two months.  The items on the sandwich were specifically selected for low calorie and I had planned to eat half now and half later.  My plan, yet again, was ruined and I couldn’t stop crying!  I felt ridiculous.

Finally able to talk about what was happening, I realized this is the first time I’ve resisted the urge to gorge after a series of highly stressful events that tend to throw me into depression.  Now, I’m trying to learn how to cope differently and I’m stuck in a car for 11 hours.  All I felt I could do at that moment was cry or sleep.  So, I slept.

I woke up feeling better, finished what was left of my sandwich and decided to start journaling.  I figure if I have moments like this, I’m sure others do too and may take comfort in knowing this.  This was a really tough weekend, but I am staying the course.  As of this morning, I have lost a total of 18.8 pounds, but feel the lessons learned and obstacles overcome this weekend are the milestones.

Today, I’ve replaced my driver’s license and ordered the replacement debt cards for the two checking accounts.  I have only a few more things to do to put the pieces of me back together.  I’m hoping to replace my iPhone 4 on Friday; rumor has it they will be going down to $99; thank goodness!  Regardless of the inconveniences, the lost time and money – I’m grateful for the lesson in letting go, especially of an identity that no longer suits me.

Thanks for reading.

Until next time….

Tagged as: anxiety, control, depression, emotional, food addiction, identity, letting go, weght loss